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Summahtology

by Howard Kremer

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1.
Summah Says 02:35
Please report to the recreation area for a game of Summah Says! Summah Says eat a starburst! Summah Says eat a pez! Toil in a cubicle! You’re OUT! I didn’t say "Summah Says” Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah! Let’s get ready for round 2! Summah Says rub oil on your body! Summah Says rub oil on your legs! Stay indoors and do some chores! You’re OUT! I didn’t say “Summah Says” Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah! Round 3! Summah Says let go of worry! Summah Says leg go of stress! Start a time consuming home improvement project! You’re OUT! I didn’t say “Summah Says” Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah! Kid: “can we stop now??” Summah Says go to the beach! Summah Says hit the waves! Open a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise! You’re OUT! I didn’t say “Summah Says” Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah! Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah! Great job everybody! We’re gonna speed it up. Back to 1. Here we go! Start over. With enthusiasm! Everybody we gotta do this all summah long!
2.
Summahtology 03:47
Summahtology it’s coming your way! Summahtology it’s here to stay! Sun and fun is what it’s all about! Once you’re in you will never want out! Back in the summah of 2009 A man was stressed out and losing his mind He had a debate raging in his head Go to the beach or the office instead Then it struck him like a lightning bolt He heard three words that never get old Have a Summah. Have a SUMMAH! HAVE a SUMMAH! HAVE A SUMMAH!! Summahtology it’s so great! Summahtology there’s no escape! Sun and fun is what it’s all about! Once you’re in you will never get out! He spoke in taverns and in private homes And in auditoriums on microphones He spoke of Summah, he did his best He printed T-shirts and started a fest Soon his movement began to swell Now when he appears, all the people yell Have a Summah. Have a SUMMAH! HAVE a SUMMAH! HAVE A SUMMAH!! They called him crazy, they tried to silence! (WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH) They criticized it, called it pseudoscience! (WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH) They denied the might of the negative ions (WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH) But they’ll be crying when we buy our own island! (SUMMAH SUMMAH SUMMAH SUMMAH!) (Stard Uke Solo) From the farmland out to the pier It’s time to get your butt in gear If you’re weary, if you’re tired If you’re searching for answers to life Then go ahead, grab some SPF Smother cocoa butter all over yourself and… Have a Summah. Have a SUMMAH! HAVE a SUMMAH! HAVE A SUMMAH!! Summahtology it’s coming your way! June! Summahtology it’s here to stay! July! Sun and fun is what it’s all about! Aug! Once you’re in you will never want out! 2/3rds of September! Summahtology it’s so great! Summahtology there’s no escape! Sun and fun is what it’s all about! Once you’re in you will never get out! (Howard preaching) (Stard Uke)
3.
Tiktaalik 01:53
(Tiktaalik surfaces) Tiktaalik Tiktaalik what archeologists call it A fish that could do a push up Our ancestor from the water It crawled on land and explored it And we’re supposed to applaud it But I wish it hadn’t bothered I’d rather swim like an otter Way back in ancient times Fishes had skulls and spines Everything was totally fine But they came up with a new design Two front limbs that evolved from flippers ONE BONE TWO BONE BUNCHA BONES DIGITS You see it on mammals, birds and lizards ONE BONE TWO BONE BUNCHA BONES DIGITS With legs and wings they can get around quicker ONE BONE TWO BONE BUNCHA BONES DIGITS Tiktaalik was the first of the dry land critters TIKTAALIK WAS THE FIRST OF THE DRY LAND CRITTERS Now it’s modern times We still got skulls and spines But our fins have disappeared And we live on land all year I wish that fish knew how good it had it I wish it stayed put in its habitat I wish it didn’t make me mad at it I’m human but I coulda been halibut Tiktaalik Tiktaalik Tiktaalik Tiktaalik Tiktaalik Tiktaalik what archeologists call it A fish that could do a push up It crawled up out of the water And now to honor its struggles And all the stress it was under We return to the aqua To pay homage all Summah Tiktaalik Tiktaalik Tiktaalik Tiktaalik Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is
4.
I’m sliding down a water slide with flashing lights inside it What a crazy ride! There’s never been anything like it Water slide/video game hybrid Score points while you ride it Oh my god I’m so excited! I want to slideboard I want to slideboard I don’t want to ever stop I’m heading back up to the top! I’m riding down the slide And now I'm going through the turn And now I see a light ahead And it is blue I wait til I’m under it Then I hit the button And I score some points Alright! Woo-hoo! I want to slideboard I want to slideboard I don’t want to ever stop I’m heading back up to the top! I’m flying down the slide And I am racking up the points I’m nailing colors yellow, green, and red Round the corner In the homestretch now I spot the plunge pool *gurgle* up ahead! The game gets more difficult as my score improves I level up to harder gameplay each trip down the tube It’s an arcade game that you can ride Like guitar hero shoved in a water slide! I’m button mashing And I’m water splashing Hitting hair-pin turns With LED screens flashing! I want to slideboard I want to slideboard I don’t want to ever stop I don’t want to ever stop I want to slideboard I want to slideboard I don’t want to ever stop I’m heading back up to the top!
5.
Heading inland, not a good feeling Not appealing to my pain threshold ceiling I jones for the ocean. I fiend for the seaweed Turn this thing around and point it at the beach please! No! I don’t want to go Further down the road that takes me further from the show I wanna hit reverse, and do a 180 I wanna head back to Mother Ocean, she’s my lady But I gotta do this shit so I can’t I even had to put on government pants I gotta bad feeling about this one I should be swimming in the sea under the sun! Heading inland, it feels like a trap, man Fish did it back in the day, look what happened They turned into rats, then chimps, now humans We’re fish out of water, in the water we look stupid No! The further I go From poseidon the more treacherous the ride is Yeah I wanna pull the brake and come to a halt I want to point the nose of this thing to the sea salt My body is starting to ache I’m getting painful migraines My eyes can’t focus, I can’t breathe I’m a fiend and I need the ocean breeze (The air is unhealthy! I can’t use the coast as a compass! The birds are wrong! I can’t feel sea level! The people are land locked! I don’t enjoy smelling! I’m way off course! TAKE ME BACK TO THE SEA!) Heading inland made us grow body hair Ruined the look of our beautiful body scales We lost our flippers and our gills and our sonar From our origins we’ve strayed so far Sharks laugh at me and you They think it’s funny what we’ve come to Crabs crack up, halibut howl Like what a grey wolf sees a chihuahua (chiwhowl??) We left the sea and our skills to survive there But deep inside we feel so alive there We don’t know what the hell we’re doing Going back to the sea is the solution But I’m Heading Inland Heading Inland Heading Inland Heading Inland Not a good feeling!
6.
When there’s an empty beer in your hand Before you chuck it in the garbage can There’s one more thing you gotta do with it... CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) Teach that can who the captain is All you gotta do is make a fist Like Robert Shaw with the Narragansett… CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) (crushing contest) Somebody hands you a snow globe It contains a scene from the North Pole With snowman and reindeer and winteh shit! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) Grab the windpipe of a winteh type Ask him what season really gets him hyped As soon as his throat starts to say “wint…” CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! (CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!) CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
7.
Don’t get involved with... a Summah Startup! That’s an investment... you don’t want no part of! Shouldn’t start a biz... When it’s hot out! That’s a sinking ship... Better hop out! You LegalZoom the paperwork, you get an LLC You find a location and sign a commercial lease You don’t buy a bathing suit or any Summah things You start to do interviews and hire employees Just because you ignore The science behind Summah’s laws Doesn’t mean it don’t exist You’ll find out the hard way bitch Don’t get involved with... a Summah Startup! That’s an investment... you don’t want no part of! Shouldn’t start a biz... When it’s hot out! That’s a sinking ship... Better hop out! You fear that the business will stall in your absence You push harder and harder as the fatigue sets in You don’t take no time off for Fourth of July weekend And so then you keep going further and further off the deep-end You thought Summah Law was crud You could’ve obeyed it but You wasted your whole July Pale-skinned but your brain is fried 99% of all Summah Startups fail in their first month The majority of Summah Startups end in disaster Most experts agree a business should be launched after Summah ends And sold before the next one begins… You wanna Have a Summah but it’s too late isn’t it? You lock up your doors and you go out of business You sell off all your inventory and your equipment Declare bankruptcy, file Chapter 11 Labor Day comes, your startup has bombed You’re at home watching telethons Wishing they’d raise funds for you to live on Summah is over, it’s come and gone Don’t get involved with... a Summah Startup! That’s an investment... you don’t want no part of! Shouldn’t start a biz... When it’s hot out! That’s a sinking ship... Better hop out!
8.
Tanning oil is so greasy When I put that stuff on I feel like…(squelch squelch squelch) The sand is so hot It burns my feet as soon I touch it it’s like...(squelch squelch squelch) You go in the water and you immediately get stung by jellyfish there’s a...(squelch squelch squelch) The undercurrent is so strong it’s like a riptide, it tries to pull you out to the...(squelch squelch squelch) The Sun is so hot The glare is so bright It’s practically trying to singe my...(squelch squelch squelch) You’re wasting your breath Talk something else That yakking squawk sounds like pelican talk Keep it to yourself You need mental help Shut up that yelp Shove in some kelp *stard guitar* You have to go to the beach and you gotta find parking and you gotta lug...(squelch squelch squelch) Eww! The fish are slimy What if one of them touches me... (squelch squelch squelch) The boardwalk is so dangerous You get a splinter on your foot and it hurts...(squelch squelch squelch) The amusement park is so crowded The lines for the rides are too...(squelch squelch squelch) Camping sucks There’s insect bites There’s animals and...(squelch squelch squelch) Sunburn?! You gotta walk around begging people to smother Aloe Vera on you...(squelch squelch squelch) You’re wasting your breath Talk something else That yakking squawk sounds like pelican talk Keep it to yourself You need mental help Shut up that yelp Shove in some kelp *stard guitar* Summah is lame I wish it was over, I can’t stand this any...(squelch squelch squelch) I can’t wait for school to start I got my backpack and my notebook and my pen...(squelch squelch squelch) I got work to do! I wanna get back to my office, where it’s air-...(squelch squelch squelch) I wanna be done! This season sucks! I’m going inside, call me when...(squelch squelch squelch) You’re wasting your breath Talk something else That yakking squawk sounds like pelican talk Keep it to yourself You need mental help Shut up that yelp Shove in some kelp *stard guitar* (squelch)
9.
Night Beach 02:50
Night Beach, it’s hard to see Is that a beach bum, or just debris? Night Beach, I cannot tell If I step on it, will it yell? I test it with my foot I can’t tell if it’s breathing I hope it’s not a drifter Who sticks me with a blade… It’s kind of exciting I’m kind of a-scared It’s kind of exciting I’m kind of a-scared Night Beach, stay on alert No one to help me if I get hurt Night Beach, take my weed out If I get cut, I will bleed out No way to survive If a hobo shanks me They’ll find me in the sand While an otter humps my leg It’s kind of exciting I’m kind of a-scared It’s kind of exciting I’m kind of a-scared Night Beach, stars in the sky Danger lurks, moonlight tricks my eyes The moon’s a jokester, look at his face I flip him off, ocean’s better than space I thought this would be different I thought there would be girls here I just hope the guy who cuts me Doesn’t steal my weed Probably, I should have brought friends Probably, I should have brought Stard Probably, I should have brought Charles Probably….but I didn’t do it right It’s kind of exciting I’m kind of a-scared It’s kind of exciting I’m kind of a-scared Night Beach, it’s hard to see Is that a beach bum, or just debris? Night Beach, I cannot tell If I step on it, will it yell? Night Beach Night Beach Night Beach Night Beach
10.
I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine I sit in there all by myself It’s got a whole lot of shelves I got my keepsakes and gems I cherish them I got a couple coconuts My dune buggy driving gloves Got a tube of SPF And one flip flop, I think it’s left? I got a snorkel that reminds me of June Some sparklers that smell like July I got a shell that sounds like August And that’s the reason why I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine And when all the shells are full I’ll expand to other rooms If there’s no room at my place I’ll rent a storage space And when storage space too small I’ll buy a warehouse for it all To safeguard my old beach chair And my lock of orangutan hair My Boogie Board reminds me of the beach My fanoodle brings me back to the pool I got some souvenir shades from the water park F U if you don’t think that’s cool... DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-KNACKS DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK- DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-KNACKS PLEASE DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-KNACKS DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK- DON’T! THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME…. I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine And if burglars break inside The shrine is where I’ll go to hide Even if they rob me blind It’ll still be Summah Time They won’t get my bathing suit They won’t get my otter’s tooth They won’t get my fifths of rum Or my packs of Summah Gum I got a Don Ho cup from Hawaii A plantain peel from Brazil Orangutan hair from Luang Prabang To keep my heart fulfilled… I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine I’ll be fine Passing the time ’til next Summah time In my Summah Shrine Non-Summah’s coming I’m all alone but I won’t be afraid In my Shrine In my Summah Shrine Non-Summah’s coming I’m all alone but I won’t be afraid In my Shrine In my Summah Shrine In my Shrine In my Summah Shrine

about

The fourth Summah album featuring the single "Summah Says".

credits

released July 31, 2015

Written and Performed by Howard Kremer
Produced, Performed and Co-Written by Brett "Stard" Morris

Cover Photo by Steve Agee
Cover Art by Myke Wright

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Howard Kremer Los Angeles, California

Dragon Boy Suede
Have a Summah
Who Charted
Road To Oddball Tour
@midnight
Comedy Central
Presents
Scare Tactics
Austin Stories

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