Summahtology

by Howard Kremer

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about

The fourth Summah album featuring the single "Summah Says".

credits

released 31 July 2015

Written and Performed by Howard Kremer
Produced, Performed and Co-Written by Brett "Stard" Morris

Cover Photo by Steve Agee
Cover Art by Myke Wright

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about

Howard Kremer Los Angeles, California

Dragon Boy Suede
Have a Summah
Who Charted
Road To Oddball Tour
@midnight
Comedy Central
Presents
Scare Tactics
Austin Stories

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Track Name: Summah Says
Please report to the recreation area for a game of Summah Says!

Summah Says eat a starburst!
Summah Says eat a pez!
Toil in a cubicle!

You’re OUT! I didn’t say "Summah Says”

Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah!

Let’s get ready for round 2!

Summah Says rub oil on your body!
Summah Says rub oil on your legs!
Stay indoors and do some chores!

You’re OUT! I didn’t say “Summah Says”

Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah!

Round 3!

Summah Says let go of worry!
Summah Says leg go of stress!
Start a time consuming home improvement project!

You’re OUT! I didn’t say “Summah Says”

Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah!

Kid: “can we stop now??”

Summah Says go to the beach!
Summah Says hit the waves!
Open a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise!

You’re OUT! I didn’t say “Summah Says”

Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah!
Do what Summah Says yeah! Summah Says yeah!

Great job everybody! We’re gonna speed it up. Back to 1. Here we go! Start over. With enthusiasm! Everybody we gotta do this all summah long!
Track Name: Summahtology
Summahtology it’s coming your way!
Summahtology it’s here to stay!
Sun and fun is what it’s all about!
Once you’re in you will never want out!

Back in the summah of 2009
A man was stressed out and losing his mind
He had a debate raging in his head
Go to the beach or the office instead

Then it struck him like a lightning bolt
He heard three words that never get old

Have a Summah. Have a SUMMAH! HAVE a SUMMAH! HAVE A SUMMAH!!

Summahtology it’s so great!
Summahtology there’s no escape!
Sun and fun is what it’s all about!
Once you’re in you will never get out!

He spoke in taverns and in private homes
And in auditoriums on microphones
He spoke of Summah, he did his best
He printed T-shirts and started a fest

Soon his movement began to swell
Now when he appears, all the people yell

Have a Summah. Have a SUMMAH! HAVE a SUMMAH! HAVE A SUMMAH!!

They called him crazy, they tried to silence!
(WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH)
They criticized it, called it pseudoscience!
(WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH)
They denied the might of the negative ions
(WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH WINTAH)
But they’ll be crying when we buy our own island!
(SUMMAH SUMMAH SUMMAH SUMMAH!)

(Stard Uke Solo)

From the farmland out to the pier
It’s time to get your butt in gear
If you’re weary, if you’re tired
If you’re searching for answers to life

Then go ahead, grab some SPF
Smother cocoa butter all over yourself and…

Have a Summah. Have a SUMMAH! HAVE a SUMMAH! HAVE A SUMMAH!!

Summahtology it’s coming your way! June!
Summahtology it’s here to stay! July!
Sun and fun is what it’s all about! Aug!
Once you’re in you will never want out! 2/3rds of September!

Summahtology it’s so great!
Summahtology there’s no escape!
Sun and fun is what it’s all about!
Once you’re in you will never get out!

(Howard preaching)

(Stard Uke)
Track Name: Tiktaalik
(Tiktaalik surfaces)

Tiktaalik Tiktaalik what archeologists call it
A fish that could do a push up
Our ancestor from the water
It crawled on land and explored it
And we’re supposed to applaud it
But I wish it hadn’t bothered
I’d rather swim like an otter

Way back in ancient times
Fishes had skulls and spines
Everything was totally fine
But they came up with a new design

Two front limbs that evolved from flippers
ONE BONE TWO BONE BUNCHA BONES DIGITS
You see it on mammals, birds and lizards
ONE BONE TWO BONE BUNCHA BONES DIGITS
With legs and wings they can get around quicker
ONE BONE TWO BONE BUNCHA BONES DIGITS
Tiktaalik was the first of the dry land critters
TIKTAALIK WAS THE FIRST OF THE DRY LAND CRITTERS

Now it’s modern times
We still got skulls and spines
But our fins have disappeared
And we live on land all year

I wish that fish knew how good it had it
I wish it stayed put in its habitat
I wish it didn’t make me mad at it
I’m human but I coulda been halibut

Tiktaalik Tiktaalik
Tiktaalik Tiktaalik

Tiktaalik Tiktaalik what archeologists call it
A fish that could do a push up
It crawled up out of the water
And now to honor its struggles
And all the stress it was under
We return to the aqua
To pay homage all Summah

Tiktaalik Tiktaalik
Tiktaalik Tiktaalik

Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is
Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is
Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is
Jerry-rigged fish, that’s all we is
Track Name: Slideboarding
I’m sliding down a water slide with flashing lights inside it
What a crazy ride!

There’s never been anything like it
Water slide/video game hybrid
Score points while you ride it
Oh my god I’m so excited!

I want to slideboard
I want to slideboard
I don’t want to ever stop
I’m heading back up to the top!

I’m riding down the slide
And now I'm going through the turn
And now I see a light ahead
And it is blue

I wait til I’m under it
Then I hit the button
And I score some points
Alright! Woo-hoo!

I want to slideboard
I want to slideboard
I don’t want to ever stop
I’m heading back up to the top!

I’m flying down the slide
And I am racking up the points
I’m nailing colors yellow, green, and red

Round the corner
In the homestretch now
I spot the plunge pool *gurgle* up ahead!

The game gets more difficult as my score improves
I level up to harder gameplay each trip down the tube
It’s an arcade game that you can ride
Like guitar hero shoved in a water slide!

I’m button mashing
And I’m water splashing
Hitting hair-pin turns
With LED screens flashing!

I want to slideboard
I want to slideboard
I don’t want to ever stop
I don’t want to ever stop

I want to slideboard
I want to slideboard
I don’t want to ever stop
I’m heading back up to the top!
Track Name: Heading Inland
Heading inland, not a good feeling
Not appealing to my pain threshold ceiling
I jones for the ocean. I fiend for the seaweed
Turn this thing around and point it at the beach please!

No! I don’t want to go
Further down the road that takes me further from the show
I wanna hit reverse, and do a 180
I wanna head back to Mother Ocean, she’s my lady

But I gotta do this shit so I can’t
I even had to put on government pants
I gotta bad feeling about this one
I should be swimming in the sea under the sun!

Heading inland, it feels like a trap, man
Fish did it back in the day, look what happened
They turned into rats, then chimps, now humans
We’re fish out of water, in the water we look stupid

No! The further I go
From poseidon the more treacherous the ride is
Yeah I wanna pull the brake and come to a halt
I want to point the nose of this thing to the sea salt

My body is starting to ache
I’m getting painful migraines
My eyes can’t focus, I can’t breathe
I’m a fiend and I need the ocean breeze

(The air is unhealthy! I can’t use the coast as a compass! The birds are wrong! I can’t feel sea level! The people are land locked! I don’t enjoy smelling! I’m way off course! TAKE ME BACK TO THE SEA!)

Heading inland made us grow body hair
Ruined the look of our beautiful body scales
We lost our flippers and our gills and our sonar
From our origins we’ve strayed so far

Sharks laugh at me and you
They think it’s funny what we’ve come to
Crabs crack up, halibut howl
Like what a grey wolf sees a chihuahua (chiwhowl??)

We left the sea and our skills to survive there
But deep inside we feel so alive there
We don’t know what the hell we’re doing
Going back to the sea is the solution

But I’m

Heading Inland
Heading Inland
Heading Inland
Heading Inland
Not a good feeling!
Track Name: Crush It Like Quint
When there’s an empty beer in your hand
Before you chuck it in the garbage can
There’s one more thing you gotta do with it...

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

Teach that can who the captain is
All you gotta do is make a fist
Like Robert Shaw with the Narragansett…

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

(crushing contest)

Somebody hands you a snow globe
It contains a scene from the North Pole
With snowman and reindeer and winteh shit!

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

Grab the windpipe of a winteh type
Ask him what season really gets him hyped
As soon as his throat starts to say “wint…”

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
(CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT! CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!)

CRUSH IT LIKE QUINT!
Track Name: Summah Startup
Don’t get involved with...
a Summah Startup!
That’s an investment...
you don’t want no part of!
Shouldn’t start a biz...
When it’s hot out!
That’s a sinking ship...
Better hop out!

You LegalZoom the paperwork, you get an LLC
You find a location and sign a commercial lease
You don’t buy a bathing suit or any Summah things
You start to do interviews and hire employees

Just because you ignore
The science behind Summah’s laws
Doesn’t mean it don’t exist
You’ll find out the hard way bitch

Don’t get involved with...
a Summah Startup!
That’s an investment...
you don’t want no part of!
Shouldn’t start a biz...
When it’s hot out!
That’s a sinking ship...
Better hop out!

You fear that the business will stall in your absence
You push harder and harder as the fatigue sets in
You don’t take no time off for Fourth of July weekend
And so then you keep going further and further off the deep-end

You thought Summah Law was crud
You could’ve obeyed it but
You wasted your whole July
Pale-skinned but your brain is fried

99% of all Summah Startups fail in their first month
The majority of Summah Startups end in disaster
Most experts agree a business should be launched after Summah ends
And sold before the next one begins…

You wanna Have a Summah but it’s too late isn’t it?
You lock up your doors and you go out of business
You sell off all your inventory and your equipment
Declare bankruptcy, file Chapter 11

Labor Day comes, your startup has bombed
You’re at home watching telethons
Wishing they’d raise funds for you to live on
Summah is over, it’s come and gone

Don’t get involved with...
a Summah Startup!
That’s an investment...
you don’t want no part of!
Shouldn’t start a biz...
When it’s hot out!
That’s a sinking ship...
Better hop out!
Track Name: Pelican Squelch
Tanning oil is so greasy
When I put that stuff on I feel like…(squelch squelch squelch)

The sand is so hot
It burns my feet as soon I touch it it’s like...(squelch squelch squelch)

You go in the water
and you immediately get stung by jellyfish there’s a...(squelch squelch squelch)

The undercurrent is so strong
it’s like a riptide, it tries to pull you out to the...(squelch squelch squelch)

The Sun is so hot
The glare is so bright
It’s practically trying to singe my...(squelch squelch squelch)

You’re wasting your breath
Talk something else
That yakking squawk sounds like pelican talk
Keep it to yourself
You need mental help
Shut up that yelp
Shove in some kelp

*stard guitar*

You have to go to the beach
and you gotta find parking and you gotta lug...(squelch squelch squelch)

Eww! The fish are slimy
What if one of them touches me... (squelch squelch squelch)

The boardwalk is so dangerous
You get a splinter on your foot and it hurts...(squelch squelch squelch)

The amusement park is so crowded
The lines for the rides are too...(squelch squelch squelch)

Camping sucks
There’s insect bites
There’s animals and...(squelch squelch squelch)

Sunburn?!
You gotta walk around begging people to smother Aloe Vera on you...(squelch squelch squelch)

You’re wasting your breath
Talk something else
That yakking squawk sounds like pelican talk
Keep it to yourself
You need mental help
Shut up that yelp
Shove in some kelp

*stard guitar*

Summah is lame
I wish it was over, I can’t stand this any...(squelch squelch squelch)

I can’t wait for school to start
I got my backpack and my notebook and my pen...(squelch squelch squelch)

I got work to do!
I wanna get back to my office, where it’s air-...(squelch squelch squelch)

I wanna be done!
This season sucks!
I’m going inside, call me when...(squelch squelch squelch)

You’re wasting your breath
Talk something else
That yakking squawk sounds like pelican talk
Keep it to yourself
You need mental help
Shut up that yelp
Shove in some kelp

*stard guitar*

(squelch)
Track Name: Night Beach
Night Beach, it’s hard to see
Is that a beach bum, or just debris?

Night Beach, I cannot tell
If I step on it, will it yell?

I test it with my foot
I can’t tell if it’s breathing
I hope it’s not a drifter
Who sticks me with a blade…

It’s kind of exciting
I’m kind of a-scared
It’s kind of exciting
I’m kind of a-scared

Night Beach, stay on alert
No one to help me if I get hurt

Night Beach, take my weed out
If I get cut, I will bleed out

No way to survive
If a hobo shanks me
They’ll find me in the sand
While an otter humps my leg

It’s kind of exciting
I’m kind of a-scared
It’s kind of exciting
I’m kind of a-scared

Night Beach, stars in the sky
Danger lurks, moonlight tricks my eyes
The moon’s a jokester, look at his face
I flip him off, ocean’s better than space

I thought this would be different
I thought there would be girls here
I just hope the guy who cuts me
Doesn’t steal my weed

Probably, I should have brought friends
Probably, I should have brought Stard
Probably, I should have brought Charles
Probably….but I didn’t do it right

It’s kind of exciting
I’m kind of a-scared
It’s kind of exciting
I’m kind of a-scared

Night Beach, it’s hard to see
Is that a beach bum, or just debris?

Night Beach, I cannot tell
If I step on it, will it yell?

Night Beach
Night Beach
Night Beach
Night Beach
Track Name: Summah Shrine
I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

I sit in there all by myself
It’s got a whole lot of shelves
I got my keepsakes and gems
I cherish them

I got a couple coconuts
My dune buggy driving gloves
Got a tube of SPF
And one flip flop, I think it’s left?

I got a snorkel that reminds me of June
Some sparklers that smell like July
I got a shell that sounds like August
And that’s the reason why

I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

And when all the shells are full
I’ll expand to other rooms
If there’s no room at my place
I’ll rent a storage space

And when storage space too small
I’ll buy a warehouse for it all
To safeguard my old beach chair
And my lock of orangutan hair

My Boogie Board reminds me of the beach
My fanoodle brings me back to the pool
I got some souvenir shades from the water park
F U if you don’t think that’s cool...

DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-KNACKS
DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-
DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-KNACKS PLEASE

DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-KNACKS
DON’T RIDICULE MY KNICK-
DON’T! THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME….

I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

And if burglars break inside
The shrine is where I’ll go to hide
Even if they rob me blind
It’ll still be Summah Time

They won’t get my bathing suit
They won’t get my otter’s tooth
They won’t get my fifths of rum
Or my packs of Summah Gum

I got a Don Ho cup from Hawaii
A plantain peel from Brazil
Orangutan hair from Luang Prabang
To keep my heart fulfilled…

I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

I’ll be fine
Passing the time
’til next Summah time
In my Summah Shrine

Non-Summah’s coming
I’m all alone but
I won’t be afraid
In my Shrine
In my Summah Shrine

Non-Summah’s coming
I’m all alone but
I won’t be afraid
In my Shrine
In my Summah Shrine

In my Shrine
In my Summah Shrine